21 Years But Still in My Heart and Mind

21 years ago today, I lost my grandmother Charlotte Arlene (nee Leh) Beitler to ovarian cancer.  It's hard to believe that much time has passed...  The irony of September being ovarian cancer awareness month is not lost on me.

It makes me really sad because since I was only five at the time, I don't remember much about her.  But what I do remember is that she was a very warm, loving person.  I vaguely remember going to her house in Allentown for visits.  Mum tells me she was so thrilled to have a granddaughter, as I have to older brothers. 

At the time, when I was younger, and my father gave me her jewelry, I didn't really think that much of it.  Now that I am older, I appreciate it so much more.  It feels like it's my only link to her because I really don't remember being with her that much.  I feel as if I have a piece of her with me then.  I am also grateful that I have her trunk that Dad refinished for my sixteenth birthday.  I didn't really think anything of it at the time, but now it's a treasured collection along with her jewelry.  I only wish I could have had some of her clothes, especially her dress from her Honeymoon photo.

My grammy and me when I was 4 months old.

Tea time!  Is that an old Pepsi bottle?

Welcome home me!  With my mum, grandma, and older brothers.

We always lump our birthdays together.  Like my pink cast?

Always smiling.

Santa himself would be jealous of her festive red bow.

Time for presents!  And where did Cabbage Patch kids go?

Both my grandmothers, both gone now.

Happily rocking away.

Joint birthday for myself and my brother.

My mum and dad at their wedding with their mums.

My dad and grandma at their house in New York.

My dad as a wee lad with my grandma.

I love this coat!

Her hair and jewelry always looked so nice.

My grandma and grandpa Warren after they were just married.  I would kill for that outfit.  They were such a gorgeous couple.

 

Charlotte Arlene (nee Leh) Beitler

01 August 1922 - 26 September 1991

I have no grandparents left, which is more than a little sad for me.  I never even got to know either of my grandfathers at all, for they were gone before I was even born.  I definitely envy my older brothers, since they remember more about Grandma Beitler than I do.  My oldest brother even remembers her mother, our great-grandmother!  It does make me happy that my nephew has such a wonderful, caring grandmother in my mum.  Every child needs one.

The photo of me with the cast is hard for me to look at.  I didn't notice this before when I was younger, but I can tell now that she must have been pretty sick when it was taken.  I look close to five, if not already five, in that photo.  Her face was gaunt and she just didn't look well.  I hope she didn't suffer.  She was such an amazing woman, she didn't deserve that.  She should have been able to see her grandchildren grow and get married and have their own babies.

It's never easy as we get older, and our loved ones get older as well.  It makes me scared for my parents.  I want them to be alive to see me get married and have children.  It's definitely been a hard week for me.  First our beloved golden passed away on Saturday; yesterday I found out my very first pet, Midnight, has cancer; and today is the 21 anniversary of my loving grandmother passing.  One day at a time, I suppose...  I will always think of my grandma when I wear the jewelry (I have that heart pendant from above!) she left me with a big smile on my face and warmth in my heart.

A Halo for Harley

As many of you may know by now, we lost our beloved Golden Retriever, Harley, on Saturday.  For more about what happened, read this post.

Harley was one of a kind, which I'm sure you could say about all pets.  He was loving, loyal, unselfish, generous, just the best companion anyone could have ever asked for.  Even though he was truly my mum's dog, he and I still had a special bond.  He was my ginger twin.  When I still lived at home, he would come into my bedroom for comfort during thunderstorms.  From now on, every time there is a storm, it will make me think of him and how he would seek comfort with me.

It's never easy to lose a loved one.  Someone who has been there and has seen you at your best and worst and loved you no matter what.  It's going to be a hard road ahead, trying to get over this horrible bump in the path.  Harley may be gone physically, but he will always be with us in spirit and in our hearts.  It makes me nervous for the future, all of our pets are getting older...

Relaxing after a swim in his younger days.

Mum and her best friend.

Treat time!

Tasha and Harley, friends until the end.  It's sad they are both gone.

Harley and Cocoa.  She was my baby, but she passed away last year.

Tucker and Harley.  Best buds and brothers.  Tucker is lost without him.

Time to go for a hike with Mummy!

But where are you going to sit...?

Enjoying a bone.

In his element.  Harley loved nature.

Who could resist that face?

Doggy sitting and giving treats.

Now this is my kind of afternoon...

I love you!

Man, I could get used to this Christmas thing...

Taking my ginger twin for a walk.

Hanging out with Tucker.

Surrounded by love on his last day.

Cuddling with Harley.

Thirsty?

I will miss that chubby paw.

Mummy's boy until the end.

The best companion.

Harley Davidson

16 February 2001 - 22 September 2012

I will miss your beautiful eyes.  I will miss your kisses.  I will miss your hugs.  I will miss celebrating our birthdays together.  I will miss seeing you tear open presents.  I will miss your bark.  I will miss your unselfishness.  I will miss your loyalty.  I will miss your silent comfort.  I will miss your companionship.  I will miss your unconditional love.  I will miss you.

My Week According to Instagram

This week has been a tough one- full of highs and lows.  The week started off like any other normal week.  I made some muffins because my mum gave me ripe bananas.

All week I was excited for the concert on Wednesday.  But then on Wednesday my mum called me to tell me she was taking her/our dog Harley (I grew up with him so even though he was technically hers, I loved him so) to the vet because he was still not acting like himself after a week or so.  I carried on with my day expecting her to call me, but she didn't for quite awhile.  So I phoned her and she was upset.  They were going to take Harley into emergency surgery because his spleen and liver were grossly enlarged.  The doctor said he might not make it.

I sped my way to the vet's and got to see Harley before they took him back for the procedure.  He got through the surgery fine, there were no tumors on the organs.  But they did a biopsy and were giving him a blood transfusion because he was severely anemic.  My mum got to take Harley home the following day, Thursday.

It was difficult but Mum and I went to the concert on Wednesday.  I told her I would go alone if she wasn't up to going.  She was very worried about Harley who had to stay overnight at the vet.  We went and had lots of craic.  It was good to get away and keep our minds busy.  The show was wonderful and meeting all of the fellas was beyond amazing.  For more about the concert, read my post here.

Then I got a phone call waking me up yesterday morning.  It was my mum phoning to say that Harley's condition was worse and that he had an incurable disease.  She was contemplating putting him down because his condition deteriorated overnight.  I went over straight away to spend time with them.  We talked about it and agreed that poor Harley shouldn't have to suffer.  We spent several hours with him before we took him to the vet and let him have his peace.

1. I made chocolate chip banana muffins for work.

2. This lot was for me.

3. Lovely lace sweetheart neck wedding gown

4. Getting excited for Celtic Thunder

5. Getting everything ready for Celtic Thunder.

6. Bought Keith Harkin's solo CD.

7. Really getting geared up for CT.

8. Harley on a walk when he was healthy.

9. Cuban heel back seam thigh high stockings.

10. All dressed up and ready to go!

11. & 12. Wednesday outfit photos.

13. Ready to see some Irishmen.

14. The truck that holds all of the stage equipment, etc.

15. The day is finally here!

16. The view from my seat.

17. The final song of the performance, "Caledonia".

18. My signed tour program by all of the members except Keith.

19. My signed CD of Keith's solo album.

20. Myself and Neil Byrne.

21. Myself and Ryan Kelly.

22. Myself and Colm Keegan.

23. Myself and George Donaldson.

24. Myself and Emmet Cahill (I was most excited to meet him!!!).

 25. It's officially fall- I broke out the hot chocolate.

26. Just finished reading this, it was quite good.

27. One of the last photos of my beloved Harley, before he passed away yesterday.

It's been hard, and it will be for quite some time.  It still doesn't feel real at all.  I just keep expecting it to be a dream.  And that the next time I go to my mum's house, there will be my dear ginger friend.  It's so difficult to lose a loved one.  At the time it feels like you will never recover from the loss.  But I'll just have to take one day at a time and leave it at that.